−−

ok, this is going to be a condensed version of like, a huge slap in the face which has been my life this past year.

I know I have a lot of trouble articulating what I mean to think/say into words, but maybe, just maybe I might have found something (but I'm still warning you, there's a lot of waffling). So, basically what all the things I've realised so far, of me joking that I want to live forever and have my own island, have pointed to the fact that I am still rather a child. I don't know. What does it mean to be an adult anyway? When do you really know? Is it when your body tells you? or your driver's license? or you age? because it doesn't feel like any of these things.

I mean, I see a lot of people who are older than me, but sometimes I feel embarrassed for them and scared that I would ever be like them, because they still act like children. I'm not saying to be mature is to change the way you look, or how you talk, who you know, or how much money you have but it's they way you treat other people, how you realise your own flaws and take responsibility. So it seems like such a shame when someone can be so old, and still be so selfish and ignorant, because it shows they're wasting their life.

I hate using a lot of words, because of their connotations. I hate using the word study. I hate using the word maturity. But if I could give you an example to explain what I mean when I talk about mature, maybe it would be that I think a 5 year old, who is capable of seeing that someone else realising other people feel as angry and confused as he/she is, is more mature than an adult who has neglected a child and still blames the entirety of child's failure on them, as if they were inherently 'bad'.

So, if you're still reading, I'll get to the point. I know graduating from school is symbolic of becoming an adult, but I'm worried I won't be ready. It's easy to dismiss the above example and consider yourself 'mature'. But that's bullshit. I know that's bullshit. It goes so much beyond that example. I know I'm still selfish, and a lot of people around me are still entirely selfish and ignorant too.

So what I want by the end of next year, is to be a person I can truly admire. As the saying goes, 'be the change you want to see in the world'. What does it mean to be mature? To me, I respect the people who:
- realise their flaws, and don't dwell on their mistakes but find a way to overcome them and become better
- who don't care what others think of them but..,
-  do not resent constructive criticism, rather working to come to the respect of others
-  aware of the sacrifices others have made for them, and don't see the pressure on them as a burden, but rather stimulus to make the most out of their lives
- try with the best of their ability (and know when they're not, because let's face it, most of us really aren't working as hard as we think) to meet or exceed the expectations on them
-  realise how lucky they are to have the opportunities that they do, and act on these opportunities
- are selfless
- empathise with others and understand their motivations
- work to see life in another point of view
- work consistently to achieve their goals, whatever they may be, and however much they have to sacrifice
- are humble of their achievements, not because it's expected that they should be, but because they truly realise how much they can still improve
- realise there is so much more out there in the world, and are always in anticipation to discover something new
- and yeah, some more things I can't think of right now

I think these are the qualities that make me respect the people that I do.

So now I've realised my motivation for next year. I want to be a person I can respect, and maybe then, I'll feel like an adult, ready to be independent and embark on the world. On paper, it seems quite easy, but to actually change your mindset/attitudes/behaviour is very hard. Especially if you think you're in absolute shit right now. Well, I guess that counts as half a step, realising there's so much to achieve.

So even though I will almost definitely lose a lot of my rankings in these two weeks, the most immediate challenge is to get over that, and still try to do my best no matter what. So I'm sorry you had to read this, and I'll answer your questions next time but for now I'll try to 'study'.

But I guess it's a good thing, since you didn't have to endure me for a while.

So what have I been up to since the beginning of the holidays? I've made the most awesome strawberry frozen yoghurt in the world, 3 times. It's too bad I can't find my camera and document how to make it. Maybe one day.

I have also finished my extension english essay (well, obviously, since it was due yesterday). But it got me thinking about the meaning of life. Don't laugh. I'm serious. Like, I was seriously thinking about it. And don't give me all that jazz about love and happiness. Sorry, I'm feeling very nihilistic now. Thinking makes me so goddamned depressed, I felt like dying yesterday. Unfortunately, drivers on the road are too freaking careful about not crashing into people. Where's Van when you need her???

Anyways, today, being my favourite day of the week (since I spend half of it sleeping) I have decided not to spend it doing any strenous exercises. Instead, I will leave that for another day. Which reminds me, I made a diagram about my depressing train of thought but I decided it was too crappy to post. Well, it's not like anything I do post is any better.

So, for my next entry, ask me any question in the world in the comment section and I will try my best to answer it another day.

... to write a poem and post it on your blog. Because life sucks, and this is how we will wither what little youthful creative spirit we have left. Or you know, this is just for fun. So - all those who read this, I challenge you to write a poem (or a song/parody of a song/rap/other piece of creative expression) in response/that encapsulates your unique experience of life/of something random.

There are either no winners or we are all winners, and we are all rewarded by each other's poems. So, I hope you're as creative as I think you are! Lame I may be, but the ocean of time stretches ahead of me these holidays, as it does for you.

To start, here is my entry:

Why I Chucked My Bed in the Washing Machine and Realised How Sad My Life Was While It Was Drying

Little bug, you're such a pest
Your little claws, I do detest
They scratch up volcanic hills
Erupting the itches, my skin feels

Where are you? I know you're there
A spot on my bed - I don't know where
I'll claw off my sheets - boil it all
So long as no itches I will befall

But it's not you that's wrong
Alas, it's been me all along
Who cares about itches?
Scratches?
And spots?
I waste myself here
While the world rots

You know you're sad
When you rhythm's this bad
And you can't seem to stop
Oh no, what rhymes with stop?

This can't be the end
I'm not done - freaking my friends!
Rhyming dictionary, look up "stop"!
Loading so slow - it goes:
Drop
Chop
Crop (yes I should)
Non stop (yes this is)
Florist shop
Traffic cop
Japanese hop?

What is all this nonsense?
It's a poetic offense!
Oh! now - have you wasted your time?
I hope you have, cos I've wasted mine

I'd just like to start off saying, I love McDreamy.

And, um, what's that show he's on? Oh yeah, Grey's Anatomy. That's all, really. I think you're already kind of sick of people talking about that show. But really, that just shows what kind of sad, sick, twisted people we are.

The new O.C. starts next week though. I know the O.C. is for (no offense) shallow, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed teenagers but really, what else am I supposed to watch? I am a sad, sick, twised person with nothing else to do but accuse other people of being sad, sick, twisted, shallow, self-absorbed, celebrity obsessed and teenage.

Enough about TV. School is equally amusing, with several weeks of observing human evolution. I can tell you, we're at minus stage 2. 
 
Can you believe it? November already. 2 years down, 4 to go (or 2 if you're leaving in year 10).

I know I had some hidden motive when I created this blog. I knew I would never delete it. I knew I would hate myself for this, and for being myself. But perhaps that's the point. Remember whoever you are, and what you do, you will never fully be perfect, happy or carefree, but the best you can do is try. So I won't hate on myself. Woops. That's about as serious as I get there. That almost bordered on preach-y. Sorry. Anyways, a picture will speak a thousand words:



You can probably tell I've moved towards using pictures more. Maybe it's because I'm lazy. Maybe I'm not that articulate. But what do you think? Pictures (y) or (n)?

/rant
Dammit. The cosmetic changes are always the most unneccessary. They're really dumbing down the system, you know. So what if 100 UAI isn't perfect? That must be the most petty excuse I've ever heard. National system my ass. The other states aren't even picking it up until next year. So technically, it will affect our class the most. You can't compare things that aren't equal. If you don't have the same syllabus, you can't have equal rankings (and that can quite disadvantage those in NSW i.e. us, when we're applying for uni).

Anyways, I am quite pissed. But now it's time to /end rant.

Safety first: I made sure to cook any Mexicans and Victorians thoroughly, because you know, you need to get to 70 degrees to get rid of the swine flu.

Also, if you can only eat halal meat, I recommend Palestinians. After all, their slaughter is usually accompanied with the words "in the name of God".

Asia
Japan:
Generally have a fishy smell. Delicate little things but ridiculously overpriced. I know they're fed whale meat but where was the blubber I was anticipating? Disappointing.
Recommend the Sumo dumplings.
Lolita girls on the side - little bones added an excellent crunch, but a most dangerous meal. Keep in mind the health warnings of artificial enhancers, for which Lolita wings are especially loaded with. Make sure you wash them thoroughly - squeeze the eyes and you'll get something like squid ink. But don't be fooled and try to eat it - mascara tastes disgusting. Also, beware of circle lenses getting stuck in your throat.

Americas
United States:
During these times of recession, it's especially important to get value for your money. It only seems fair that the country which is singlehandedly caused such lean times to lead by example. Certainly, the average American is excellent value for money. As you know, you would usually need oil to cook a dish - but no, for this one, the fat which comes with the meat is more than enough too cook it. In fact, you might end up deep frying it. They are, after all, renowned for their fast food. Not suggested for those on a diet.
Also, crack open the skull and you'll find a delightful little nut. They're very small, but they taste like peanut butter. This dish is especially popular in the Middle East.

Africa
Sudan
There has been a surge in stocks thanks to the Darfur crisis, though I only recommend them as snacks - the meat is very lean, but their bones do have crunch. But my daughter, who is on a diet, recommends them heartily.

The Zimbabweans are also coming into season.

Europe
England
This meal is most satisfying if you caught and slaughtered it yourself. No feeling is more gratifying that shutting up a babbling Englishman (for it will be babbling even until its death when your gun is in its mouth). There are many ways of killing an Englishman such as by defeating his cricket team; intoxicating it with beer (though it usually does this on its own); torturing it by making it listen to its own voice (or Jamie Oliver); and shoving a cricket bat up its arse (but there's probably a stick up there already).

But when the killing is done, unfortunately you usually have to eat it. The meat is quite bland but you could fry it, put some salt on it, and disguise it as fish in fish and chips. Don't go near the brain though - it's full of shit.

Oceania
Australia
Pre marinated in beer, the Australian is best cooked as they advocate: on the 'barbie'. I suggest you peel the skin off - it's usually already overcooked, brown and leathery when you receive it anyway. Although the Aussies live on an island - don't be fooled, if you're looking for seafood go for the Japanese. This is mini America on a stick - so again, those on a diet best steer clear.

But an added bonus (like that with the English), is the gratification of hunting the elusive bogan. There is a huge market for the bogan, not because of the demand, but the sheer number of hunters who find it demeaning to even eat bogan meat. Indeed these bogans are cheats until the end. They did not 'have balls' as they had claimed. Down there, the only difference between male and female is that the cook must spend more time plucking  the female.

But while you might not like to eat their meat, their white skin with red spots do make for interesting car seats. Also, interestingly, their head fluid tastes entirely like beer. And who knows - once every few heads you mind find a bean floating around.

Antarctica
Eat penguins? That's so sick! What inhumane bastard would do that?

A note for those who haven't noticed:
This is not mocking the people of the world, but rather their stereotypes.
It's very offensive, but that's only because the stereotypes are very offensive.

I don't quite know when I started this blog, but every once in a while I remember how old it is. It's one of those strange things humans do as a need to mark the passing of time in their lives. You know, rites of passage, as if those little instants in time which we pin on as special, are really actually special. I mean, what's the significance of a 2 month anniversary of a relationship? Does that moment the minute hand strike 8.30 mean we suddenly grow two inches taller and our noses shrink? No, but wait a minute now, I'm babbling.

The point is, I guess they're mostly times for reflection and assessment. Now, if you've noticed, my blog's layout is actually quite stark. I refrained from serving it as plain vanilla because fiddling with a language I don't know (html) seems to be a wonderful waste of time, and being me, I always find time to waste my time.

But yes, it is lacking in those sidebar semi-bios and links and archives and whatnot. But the thing is, you're already on my blog. This is the closest you'll get to reading my thoughts. Do I need to package the contents of my life in a neat little packet and hand it to you with a sunshine smile? No, I'm too lazy for that. So no mini bio.

Perhaps I'm just not particularly kind to my readers (all 2 of you) for doing this. I think many other blogs are very accomodating to their readers. I respect this greatly because it shows that you care about the experience of other people when they open up the delightful bundle that is your blog. I'm not particularly kind to my readers when I write stories either (not that I expect an audience at all). The most obvious feedback I've gotten from my stories recently are that they are hard to understand. Perhaps this blog is more of me unloading my incessant, rambling thoughts that about entertaining people.

But then again, I don't expect an audience. Are you reading this? Because if you are, I would hate to be you.

There are actually a lot of times during the day when I think, "oh, it would be nice to blog about that." So I actually do put up an effort to make some sort of entertainment. But the thing is, when I actually do get the access and time to get on my keyboard and write this, whatever brilliant thoughts I must have had have entirely evaporated and I am left with some soggy, disgusting, mundane thing and being here already, I must serve it to you in its cold, repulsive state. Like this. It must be so utterly boring listening to me complain, but now I must apologise for all my ramblings of the past 4 years. I have seen what the subject of my entries have been, and I must apologise. I must also apologise for the gross abuse of English. I am sorry that my childish, adolsecent self turned the beauty into a whore.

So thus ends my complaining and apologies. Now to reward the fact that you have gone this far in exerting yourself to read this, I will tell you about the brilliant Stephen Fry.

Once in a while, perhaps to compensate for the banality of my life, I become completely engrossed, infatuated and obsessed in certain things. You have seen this so far, as my tennis fever peaks around January, and my cycling madness comes around mid year. But I do hate to talk of such things as if they were fads, since fads denote some terrible idea of trivialisation, as if the fruit of the moment would eventually rot and become infested with maggots. But I hope to stress that my enthusiasm is an expression of my genuine, childlike wonder and love. Once in a while, something triggers off an energetic fascination in the idea of living, and of life again. So it can't possibly be a bad thing.

Right now, I have been completely smitten by Stephen Fry, the brilliant writer/director/actor/comedian/tv presenter/general all round fascinating man/British national treasure. But I know my initial infatuation will mellow into a long term love, because I am not the only one in love with him. You only need to google him to realise his brilliance. And his brilliance doesn't just lie in his many talents. No, that is far from being the reason for my infatuation. It is his attitude, his tolerance, his openness, his understanding and enthusiasm for those around him and for life which is so amazing. And as one of his friends have said, despite his intellect, when you listen to him you don't think 'I wish I had gone to university'. You think 'god, I should read a book' or 'I should be better'. I mean, his intellect awakens the intelligence in you.

It is strange to kind of know of someone your whole life (I think we've all seen Fry before) but only just in one moment really recognise how great they really are. It's like a sort of wave, which nips at your feet and then when you get in further, it grows and grows until before you know it, it engulfs you.

And I know right now it might seem like I'm going overboard on the Fry-cult thing, but it is an amazing thing to be aware that you're changing how you think about life because something's triggered off the little wheels in your head. This mania actually really not about Stephen Fry. It's about that feeling of that genuine interest in life, of belief in humanity, of empathy, which we all once had but has since faded. I'm not sure if Fry himself even has this feeling, but I am sure he has been the trigger of this for me.

 I am positively excited about learning again. I feel like my 5 year old self when I was so enchanted by even the flowers I picked from my garden, to look onto the vista of the world with a real interest and excitement. I really hope this feeling doesn't fade. Because right now, as you can probably tell, I am as high as a kite.

Also, I didn't go into detail about Stephen Fry, because the man speaks for himself. It is one thing to list his accomplishments, it is quite another to have his intellect inspire you to become a better person. So I'll leave that up to you.

And for one last time, I'm sorry for this blog. I will try to write something more interesting later.