why must we proclaim so loudly who we are and what we believe in?
Sometimes I read over what I've written here and kind of stop midway through a sentence because I can't really stand it anymore. It's like, a repulsion of my own consciousness. Though it feels fine when you're just blurting stuff out - like writing right now. This reminds me of when you listen to yourself talk. It's sort of surreal, and you're disgusted by how you sound and what you say which seems so much less articulate than when it was streaming out of your mouth.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HATE DEEP SENTIMENTS WHEN I LOOK BACK ON THEM
BECAUSE ACTUALLY THEY'RE NOT REALLY DEEP AT ALL
I HATE THAT WORD "DEEP"
IRONICALLY, IT'S SO PRETENTIOUS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M A WORD I'M A SENTENCE USE ME TO EXPRESS YOUR EXISTENCE
I was going to talk about actually interesting stuff - or interesting until I put it down. It's interesting in my mind. I will keep it there. Ok. Not coming out.
Another interesting thing- not as interesting as the stuff I'm not talking about - is that I wanted to preserve my thoughts and look back on them through this blog. But I've realised it's probably better just to live through thoughts as they pass and let them dissolve in the everyday to and fro.
Why do people have to insist on talking and making meaning out of things? Why must we proclaim so loudly who we are and what we believe in?
Sometimes I wonder who else reads this, besides the usual. How did you get here? Why are you still reading? Don't keep reading. Please, that stuff is old. I'm not like that anymore, I swear.
And know that tomorrow I won't be like this anymore. Because I will detest what I was, or any evidence of what I was, when I'm not too busy trying to become who I want to be. Which is a whole other headache.
Helen says: (1:50:47 AM) thinking about what I should do
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (1:50:48 AM) OR ELSE I HAVE NO FOOD WHEN I COME TO LIVE IN YOUR CUPBOAD OAKY
Helen says: (1:51:03 AM) i gotta take the food out before you live in the cupboard
Helen says: (1:51:09 AM) otherwise there's not going to be any space
Helen says: (1:51:16 AM) despite how small you are
Helen says: (1:51:37 AM) but yeah
Helen says: (1:51:44 AM) i think i'll go to sleep soon
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (1:51:44 AM) NOT THAT CUPBAORDDD
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (1:51:49 AM) your other cupboards
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (1:51:53 AM) of the 6 million you have in your house
Helen says: (1:52:02 AM) but you'll love living in the kitchen!
Helen says: (1:52:08 AM) there's food right next to your door!
Helen says: (1:52:42 AM) well
Helen says: (1:52:48 AM) maybe you want a harry potter thing
Helen says: (1:52:57 AM) that's cool too
Helen says: (1:53:21 AM) I don't know how I could live in a wardrobe
Helen says: (1:53:25 AM) all those coats
Helen says: (1:53:39 AM) it would feel like people surrounding you all the time
Helen says: (1:53:42 AM) you know
Helen says: (1:53:51 AM) the ghost of wearers past
Helen says: (1:53:56 AM) or you know
Helen says: (1:54:00 AM) my dead skin cells
Helen says: (1:54:20 AM) but to think of it
Helen says: (1:54:27 AM) my room probably has a lot of dead skin cells
Helen says: (1:54:35 AM) cool
Helen says: (1:54:40 AM) I am talking to myself again
Helen says: (1:54:46 AM) this reminds me of the time
Helen says: (1:54:54 AM) when I talked to van's auto message
Helen says: (1:54:58 AM) like
Helen says: (1:55:07 AM) I would say hi to van
Helen says: (1:55:21 AM) and then say gtfo i want to talk to your automessage
Helen says: (1:55:50 AM) anyways man
Helen says: (1:56:00 AM) i think my brother is matching me in late night eating
Helen says: (1:56:07 AM) like I go to the kitchen to make something
Helen says: (1:56:08 AM) then he goes
Helen says: (1:56:15 AM) and it's like a continuous cycle
Helen says: (1:56:22 AM) like sneezing
...
Helen says: (2:03:08 AM) this situation is a combination of things
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (2:03:11 AM) STOP EATING YOU
Helen says: (2:03:33 AM) 1. staying up late: however, I have stayed up late since october of last year, have never had these fat girl problems before
Helen says: (2:04:12 AM) 2. learning how to cook (not really, more like poison control)
Helen says: (2:04:19 AM) 3. MY MUM ISN'T HOME
Helen says: (2:04:27 AM) 4. nah, I'm just bored
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (2:05:03 AM) so who cookes dinner at home then?
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (2:05:12 AM) have you ever thought about cooking mroe of dinner?
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (2:05:18 AM) LOL JUST SO YOU DONT HAVE TO RECOOK ANYTHING
- ウェンディ一 [c=63]☆[/c] says: (2:05:20 AM) AT NIGHT?
Helen says: (2:06:06 AM) my dad cooks dinner
Helen says: (2:06:08 AM) he is actually good
Helen says: (2:06:17 AM) but somehow it doesn't taste like real food
Helen says: (2:06:24 AM) you know in harry potter
Helen says: (2:06:27 AM) how they have magic food
Helen says: (2:06:30 AM) it tastes like real food!
Helen says: (2:06:35 AM) but it's not fulfilling
Helen says: (2:09:08 AM) bro
Helen says: (2:09:08 AM) dw
Helen says: (2:09:12 AM) as long as i'm not starving
Helen says: (2:09:19 AM) and as long as I'm not going to sleep crying at night
-------
There was nothing significant about that conversation. I just wanted to post something. Also, I wanted to write something with an anti climax. Jks, I do that every entry.
what is "good"? I can tell you what's NOT good and that's your big f-
I'm pretty sure no one cares about being a "good" person anymore since it's the 21st fucking century and we're all godless jezebels and sodomites (sorry kym).
But you know, in a hypothetical world, what is a "good" person? I know the argument's been done to death, and there's that one episode on friends where Phoebe attempts to commit a non-selfish good deed. Which is actually impossible since whatever good deed she attempts, she will benefit from. You know, even if you become a surrogate mum for your brother's triplets it's selfish in the way that you feel good about yourself.
Generally we can tell what a good person is by the stuff he/she does, right? How else would we judge them?
Say we have firefighter A, who saves 10 people a year. He's pretty much a saint. He's kind of dumb as in he doesn't think too much into anything (though that is a smart strategy you'll realise after you fuck up your head by thinking too much). But he's doing his job because it feels right, and he's proud that he saves 10 people, 55 cats and a snake every year.
Then we have firefighter B who saves 50 people, 56 cats, a snake and its mum every year. But he knows he's doing this job because he wasn't qualified for anything else, and yeah it feels good that people are grateful for him, but seriously if they never existed he wouldn't give a shit. Does this make him a worse person than firefighter A if his beliefs if all his actions benefit the world more than the other dude?
Some philosopher (I don't remember which since I'm a cheapass and I didn't pay for a philosophy degree and am instead learning it through youtube videos and handbooks) said that to become a good person was not to be the extreme of anything - as in neither as a hedonist nor a monk but the medium of both. In other words, just lead a decent life. But there's something about that proposition that's unsettling me. I haven't figured out which part. Maybe you will be more astute at pointing out any flaws.
Another philosopher pointed out that the basis of morality is consistency. Not to make any point about that or anything. I just think it's interesting. His argument used the example of lying. It is immoral to make a promise you knew you were going to break. If this was a universal law, and everyone lied like this, then no one would make promises because they would all know they would be broken. And the world would be fucked. But then this theory relies on the basis that you could universalise such a law. In real life of course, everything is relative.
Also: if every object in the universe were moved 1cm, would it still be the same universe? I think I read about this in a physics book but I am a douche and I don't remember the main point of things. Physics buffs if you can, do update me on the current dominant theory? I actually don't know if you learn about this stuff anymore. It seems all we learn about is stuff we can apply to jobs/real life instead of hypothetical worlds. So I'm probably not learning the correct things in life. And this entry was a waste of time.
P.S. I came across this gem on the interwebs:
P.P.S. sorry for the can of worms. I have a lot of reading to do in order to make actual sense. I could explain WHY there is a can of worms though, but that would take another useless entry.
P.P.P.S I found the name of the philosopher. Kant was kind of cunt btw.
But today was my sick day and I got to bask in the glory of youthful freedom. And in standard fashion for 90s babies, I spent it at home in front of the computer. I've noticed that days like these have a general pattern in how they're lived. If you don't have any free time or you're one of those people who manage to spend hours staring at a blank wall everyday, you might still follow the same thing give or take a few activities. If no one else empathises with my situation then fuck me I need to get a life.
Living inside your head vs reality The concept of living in your head is pretty interesting. I mean, if we're on computers all day basically everything that exists in your life will be abstract. If you wanted it to be, it could be a figment of your imagination etc. etc. postmodernism. But yeah, it's interesting to consider whether you mostly live inside your head or the concrete world of matter out there. Your dreams are kind of like pure imagination. Purely living inside your head without the chains of logical reasoning. They don't make sense but they're awfully fun. And they seem SO REAL while you're in them. But then you drift into this state, like water's being sprinkled over your face, and you're rising out of that dream. And maybe someone is throwing a bucket of water at you. But then you're awake.
You are a state where you're not quite human. You've been there. If there was a scale of civilisation ascending towards higher thinking and shit, this would be level 0. This is generally the morning mood. You can't believe you have to wake up and do stuff. All you want to do is sleep and it doesn't matter how many fails you will get if you don't get your ass up. Noh. NOH. SNOOOOZE. If you haven't slept much you will probably be on level 0 all day.
Interesting thought: another chunk of your day, or probably a lot of it is actually doing menial tasks that are repetitive or unstimulating. Free time: youtubing etc. You're really just a machine churning task after task out. Not sure whether this would be level 1 or 2.
I deserve an indie soundtrack to my life Fuck man this is your douchey stage. That random moment when you feel like super cool/deep. Staring out of the shittyrail window, sitting alone by yourself. Reading a book at a cafe/library/other public places partly just to show off that you're reading, and maybe a little because you have nothing else to do. Walking down the street like a fucking supermodel, because supermodels aren't blonde/white/tall anymore. THEY ARE YOU. A lot of other random crap is included in this moment of the day.
That state where your mind is slugging along on the floor. Not because it's lazy but because it's dragged down by all the thoughts it's carrying. You might be consumed by one thought or the overwhelmingness of many. Either is pretty shit, because the former probably carries a lot of emotional baggage (yes, all you love birds and non love birds... or all those in a lot of debt) and if you start to mope on it too much, your heart starts to ache and everything goes quiet and you're not quite sure you're ok, and you really just god damned wished there was someone there with you. The latter situation will involve your mind balancing multiple things at once, and it doesn't feel like that squishy thing inside your skull can process, analyse and balance all of them at once because you're made of flesh and bone and God can't upgrade your CPU. Your head feels heavy, because eventually all the wires will get tangled into one ball. You might have been doing something no one our age should fucking have to deal with, like contemplating the rest of your life or balancing too many spheres of life. But our attention spans are short, and sooner or later you will get hungry and think about what you should eat, whether you should get up now or watch another youtube video. So we will drop whatever semi important thoughts we might have had and revert to level 1 living (ie. priorities: eat, sleep, get entertained, have sex). Occasionally from out of the blue, or even more rarely so, from your own tunnel of judgment, you will reach the next stage.
Clarity Everything seems so clear. It was all so simple. You're not sure if you should move (mentally or physically) for fear that you might break out of this moment. And i mean, clarity might be absolutely nothing and you're just purely existing, and you're aware of that. You might have a vague feeling of happiness that's a bit numbing. Or you might have resolved some of that ugly shit in the above situation. Congrats. (The perfect movie moment epitomising this is A Single Man)
For me, the prime time to get to this monk like state is in the early morning, like 3 or 4am. I don't know why. Everything is just so quiet that nothingness is overwhelming. Then in a split second, it's over. And your day starts again.
1. Being single is like a pair of cheap sweatpants. When you look down and see yourself wearing them, you're like oh shit, I better update my pants. I hate my sweatpants, doesn't anyone want to take them away? Then you're like, hey these are actually comfortable. Screw everyone else, I'm going to own the shit out of these pants.
2. Valentine's day on top of the Empire State Building waiting for the love of my life - oh wait #foreveralone
3. They can be pretty fun but I life is more raw when you don't numb yourself to the feeling.
Tasting pink would be nice
but I would probably wind up like
instead of being at the empire state building in 10 years
4. The Dalai Lama said it best: "My belief is that the various religious traditions have great potential to increase compassion, the sense of caring for one another, and the spirit of reconciliation. However, I believe that a human being, without religious faith, can be a very good person - sincere, a good heart, having a sense of concern for others - without belief in a particular religious faith."
5. Existential crisis.
Nah but seriously, life is good and all we have are #firstworldproblems. When it IS at it's shittest, I am never actually in harm or hunger or anything. And when I am in harm or hunger or whatever, I am extra motivated to live. I empathise unfortunately with the Perfume murderer:
"The tick, which makes itself extra small and inconspicuous so that no one will see it and step on it. The lonely tick, which wrapped up in itself, huddles in its tree, blind, deaf and dumb, and simply sniffs, sniffs all year long, for miles around, for the blood of some passing animal that it could never reach on its own power."
6. these 30 count don't they?
7. Pisces. I like to eat fish, so no.
8. Probably sporadic moments in life that are unspectacular. Like this one time I was sitting on the bus and watching students file out of school. The year had just started and I was academically aces, and I had no worries about people and I had not yet learnt about post modernism. I realised at the time, I was never going to be that content again.
Or this year at Thomas' party. At twilight watching people play badminton. I'm so lucky to have a second family.
9. Like when I wished in that fountain before the main round offers. I wanted to get into a course I believed I could love. Metaphor for life. Half the struggle is believing you can love it.
10. Non existent. It would probably embarrassing because that's the #storyofmylife.
11. Sunlight - Bag Raiders Natural's Not In It - Gang of Four Faithfully - Glee Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand Morning Light - Girls Need You Now - Lady Antebellum Yesterday - Leona Lewis Baby, You're My Light - Richard Hawley On The Street Where You Live - Vic Damone Don't Stop Believin' - Glee
12. - woke up at 9 - trained it to usyd spending an hour just staring out of the window - what the hell how did I end up lost a million times and went to the wrong place to enrol and the wrong order and ended up being the last person to enrol for law what - ate at the law building restaurant while phoning Thomas and Wendy because I was overwhelmed by my inadequacy in enrolment - "hey sexy" dude ;) stopped by the corner outside the window I was eating at and talked to my brother's doppelganger - I ran into Karen and her (and everyone else's) friend, Jimmy. Ran after buses to Central, ate soft shell crab, walked to Chinatown/Haymarket looking for air con, ended up getting stared at by the shop assistant in the frozen section of IGA, looked through men's clothing, ate Taiwanese dessert and observed Karen's strange food habits - caught train back with Karen - perved at Usyd courses online - packed half of my wardrobe - phoned people - currently attempting an all night to accumulate sleep debt - read 2plus7 and ripped 30 day challenge
13. New York. Why ask?
14. Too many. Overeating. Resenting getting hugged. Making a mosaic. Clearly, a well adjusted child.
16. 30% is good. I don't take myself too seriously 30% of the time. Not that I take myself seriously for 70% of the time.
17. Too many. You know them. Freaking sine curve. WOULD YOU LIKE A GRAPH?
18. Find yourself. Make yourself better. Change the world in the way you're meant to.
19. Oops.
Actually this is an interesting one. I don't always do exactly what my parents tell me to, but then again I've never been disrespectful, but then again my parents never asked me for much (or expected much of me, haha).
Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between disrespecting your parents and not listening to what they tell you to do, especially if you're Asian. But there comes a point when you're so docile that you can't think for yourself and I think I reached that some time ago.
Now I treat my parents like I do other people. I mean, I'm basically an adult now right? I can make my own decisions. And doing exactly what people tell you to do without using your discretion is an insult to your own intelligence, and that of whoever you're listening to. I mean, how do you acknowledge the depth of their insight if you don't judge it against your knowledge and experience?
20. Very.
If you think about it, education is about enriching your stomach (monay) and your mind. So if you weren't born beautiful, talented or street smart then like me, education and working like your mule are your only assets. Which isn't a bad thing. You just have to use what you're given.
22. I probably became less of a mule and more independent in terms of what I think i.e. I turned crazy. I guess I started questioning everything more and that resulted in a lot of confusion and disillusionment which characterises who I am now. For example, I used to want to make money in my career for the sake of it. But seriously what the fuck kind of attitude is that?
I used to be a kid who looked at life like another play game. The future I imagined for myself was probably a parody of the game, house. Like stereotypes and order were always a constant state of things for everyone. But now I feel like order is only a self constructed illusion in an indifferent universe. Fuck what am I talking about.
The point is, we were once kids. But now we're sad kids because we understand how broken things are. And we're coming to terms with mortality and all its friends. But we're not adults because we haven't dived into that ocean and come to terms with it yet.
Though the more scared you are of the future ahead, the more you cling onto security. What brings you solidarity. Which is often your friends and family. I guess I've realised how much I need other people.
23. LOL I LOVE THIS CHALLENGE
They actually all look the same
Andrew Garfield Joseph Gordon Levitt George Clooney (duh) Matt Damon (double duh) James Franco (derp derp derp)
24. Breakfast at Tiffany's Watching this movie is not actually about the clothes, or Audrey Hepburn. It's about feeling like how Tiffany's makes Holly feel.
Holly Golightly: He's all right! Aren't you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's... Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Paul Varjak: Sure. Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
25. A lot of people fascinate me. It's just embarrassing to say who. And frankly, a lot of things about people are fascinating. I guess what they have in common is that I feel we're all in on a joke nobody else knows about. If that makes sense.
26. See number 23.
Jokes.
I like people who make me feel like I belong.
27. How long do you have? lol I guess I have a lot, like anyone else. But mainly I have a problem with either burning the popcorn or not popping all of it. I should probably just buy a popcorn maker.
28. I miss my grandmother? I miss living next to my extended family and being piggy backed over in the rain. I miss truly believing my birth mark was from a dog bite of a dog that I made up in my head.
29. - find work experience - turn 18 - find a job or gtfo and go to france
30. Lows - being on my period Highs - not being on my period
Some shit about friends and being afraid of the future fits in there somewhere too.
I can't always say what I want to. Writing is like therapy. You dissociate yourself from the problem, the emotional involvement that inherently obscures any logical conclusion. But you can't always do that in public.
Because to write something and publish it publicly brings with it responsibilities. The responsibility to an audience, to entertain or inform. The type of "deep and meaningful" discussion that so often characterises a lot of public blogs is certainly aimed at the latter, but sometimes it borders on a selfish rant.
The writer is supposed to articulate something of the human condition that others can't, and in doing so, help them work through their own lives. And that message is well informed, thought through, the result of pinning down the writer's personal life on a page and dissecting it like an outsider. In a nutshell, no one wants to read about the ramblings of a stubborn, whining bitch (reader: haha, you mean you Helen?)
And you know, I've developed this deep flaw throughout my life, that predisposes me to come to this conclusion. Well, America would call it a flaw, land of the opinionated. Apparently, the inability to form a solid stance on a topic is a sign of weakness of character. That's the general public opinion. But personally (oh Helen don't you see the irony of your stubborness against stubborness? of personal opinion against personal opinions?) I think it's a virtue to be able to balance opposing opinions in your mind, even if the result is ambivalence. You monitor yourself. You think logically, rather than emotionally (you don't, Helen).
Oh lol, I realised I've unconsciously done that through those brackets. Monitored myself. Seriously, I didn't plan it.
But that example is kind of simplistic. It's um, a hard idea to explain. I find it... difficult to deal with people stubborn in their opinions. You can see from a distance what their flaw is but for multiple reasons, you can't say anything. And I have to tread lightly if those people are my friends.
As a result sometimes I don't always say what I mean, I don't divulge the entire truth of how I feel and no one person will understand the whole picture. But that's ok. That's life. And that is the nature of humanity. You can rely on people for support for that much, but the rest you have to deal with yourself. And all you can do is better equip yourself for that task. You create that last person inside you, the only one that mend the deepest dilemmas. Or you will wallow in a continuous cycle of the same mistakes.
(Why so serious, Helen?)
I don't know I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I can't write about it.
No one reads this shit anyway.
(P.S. This entry is terribly unstructured, unless you really meant for stream of consciousness ok what nvm)
Andrew Garfield
Joseph Gordon Levitt
George Clooney (duh)
Matt Damon (double duh)
James Franco (derp derp derp)
