ok, this is going to be a condensed version of like, a huge slap in the face which has been my life this past year.

I know I have a lot of trouble articulating what I mean to think/say into words, but maybe, just maybe I might have found something (but I'm still warning you, there's a lot of waffling). So, basically what all the things I've realised so far, of me joking that I want to live forever and have my own island, have pointed to the fact that I am still rather a child. I don't know. What does it mean to be an adult anyway? When do you really know? Is it when your body tells you? or your driver's license? or you age? because it doesn't feel like any of these things.

I mean, I see a lot of people who are older than me, but sometimes I feel embarrassed for them and scared that I would ever be like them, because they still act like children. I'm not saying to be mature is to change the way you look, or how you talk, who you know, or how much money you have but it's they way you treat other people, how you realise your own flaws and take responsibility. So it seems like such a shame when someone can be so old, and still be so selfish and ignorant, because it shows they're wasting their life.

I hate using a lot of words, because of their connotations. I hate using the word study. I hate using the word maturity. But if I could give you an example to explain what I mean when I talk about mature, maybe it would be that I think a 5 year old, who is capable of seeing that someone else realising other people feel as angry and confused as he/she is, is more mature than an adult who has neglected a child and still blames the entirety of child's failure on them, as if they were inherently 'bad'.

So, if you're still reading, I'll get to the point. I know graduating from school is symbolic of becoming an adult, but I'm worried I won't be ready. It's easy to dismiss the above example and consider yourself 'mature'. But that's bullshit. I know that's bullshit. It goes so much beyond that example. I know I'm still selfish, and a lot of people around me are still entirely selfish and ignorant too.

So what I want by the end of next year, is to be a person I can truly admire. As the saying goes, 'be the change you want to see in the world'. What does it mean to be mature? To me, I respect the people who:
- realise their flaws, and don't dwell on their mistakes but find a way to overcome them and become better
- who don't care what others think of them but..,
-  do not resent constructive criticism, rather working to come to the respect of others
-  aware of the sacrifices others have made for them, and don't see the pressure on them as a burden, but rather stimulus to make the most out of their lives
- try with the best of their ability (and know when they're not, because let's face it, most of us really aren't working as hard as we think) to meet or exceed the expectations on them
-  realise how lucky they are to have the opportunities that they do, and act on these opportunities
- are selfless
- empathise with others and understand their motivations
- work to see life in another point of view
- work consistently to achieve their goals, whatever they may be, and however much they have to sacrifice
- are humble of their achievements, not because it's expected that they should be, but because they truly realise how much they can still improve
- realise there is so much more out there in the world, and are always in anticipation to discover something new
- and yeah, some more things I can't think of right now

I think these are the qualities that make me respect the people that I do.

So now I've realised my motivation for next year. I want to be a person I can respect, and maybe then, I'll feel like an adult, ready to be independent and embark on the world. On paper, it seems quite easy, but to actually change your mindset/attitudes/behaviour is very hard. Especially if you think you're in absolute shit right now. Well, I guess that counts as half a step, realising there's so much to achieve.

So even though I will almost definitely lose a lot of my rankings in these two weeks, the most immediate challenge is to get over that, and still try to do my best no matter what. So I'm sorry you had to read this, and I'll answer your questions next time but for now I'll try to 'study'.